Tuesday, December 27, 2011

raiders @ chiefs 12/24/11

logan and i had the fortunate opportunity to get tickets to go see our raiders play in arrrowhead stadium. a fellow scout dad offered up the tix and of course i had to ask seeings as christmas eve is usually spent with one side or another of the fam, and logan and i would miss it if we drove down to KC. so i said to my wife i didnt expect it to work, however i would kick myself if i didnt ask.

 she then checked with the side of the fam it affected and came back and told me we had the greenlight to go. i still hadnt told logan at this point because i didnt have the tix in my hand and i didnt know if it would all work out or not so for the sake of not disappointing him, i thought it would be best to wait until i had them, wrap them up and give them to him.








so it was official and now all i had to do was get through the rest of the week before it would truly set in that i was going to see my raiders, for the first time in my life, and i get to share that experience with my oldest. how bad ass is that? so the week goes on and i am pretty much useless at work since its almost xmas and i am itching to get out and make the drive to KC.


i dont recall the exact last time i was at arrowhead but i do recall being in the nosebleed seats. for anyone who's been there knows the top of the stadium feels like its sitting you at a very uncomfortable angle towards the field which when you stand up feels like youre going to plummit to your death. we lucked out and these seats were no where near the top:

the view from our seats (sec 132, row 17)


we watched sebas take some warm up shots
Logan at his first NFL game


we werent the only ones wearing silver and black
now i will say that for the most part, chiefs fan is alright. theyre fuckin hammered, but theyre alright. we got to our seats an hour and a half before kickoff which gave us time to look around, grab some grub, drop a deuce, and let the rest of the fans get shitfaced. so i tell logan i gotta go do my dooty and i ask him if he wants to sit in his seat or come with. he opts to sit in his seat. i take him back to our seats and i proceed to the mens room. this s a long one. id say 10-15 mins. i head back to our seats and see he is not sitting there. the folks (chiefs fans) a couple seats down from us who took our pic, informed me that some guy was giving logan a hard time and that he got upset, started crying and went off to find me. i asked her to point out to me who this guy was so i could deal with him later. her husband had gone looking for logan and i went to do the same heading up the steps when low and behold here he comes down the steps tears in his eyes. he explained to me that he was worried because i was taking a monsterous shit that i hadnt come back. i explained to him to stay where he was and that sometimes daddy's a little backed up but that the storm would pass and i would be back out to see him. i asked him about the guy giving him grief and he told me the same thing the gal told me, he said to logan his raiders were going to go back to oakland loosers. i asked him again if this guy was the reason he was upset, he reitterated no, he was scared because i was gone for so long dropping a lung in the toilet.

so we sit back in our seats, i wipe the tears from his face, and then chiefs fan sits down next to me. as he sits, the cloud of beer wafts up from him much like pigpen from charlie brown. so now i know what im dealing with. a 50-some year old drunk chiefs fan. perfect. he makes amends. apologizes to me and logan and shakes our hands and wishes us good luck. then he procedes to bash the raiders, tell us how bad theyre going to loose today and then to top it all of, his excuse for his actions: "hey look at me, im the chiefs fan!" that you are drunkie, that you are. throughout the rest of the game, he's razzing us from 4 rows back. i told logan to just ignore him and not to let the guy ruin our time. at one point i hear him saying to me, "hey! hey bigman!" i simply kept my eyes in front of me and watched my raiders kick the fuck out of his chiefs. but it was difficult though, not to pummel this poor old drunk fuck to whom which i have a 20 year (give or take) age advantage not to mention probably 150lbs weight advantage. but he had the advantages that counted: 70K+ fans on his side and i actually cared if i got thrown out of the stadium for fighting.

the other chiefs fans gave us shit, just as i had warned logan they would but were respectful about it. it was typical hazing, the things that dont bother you. until late in the game, our raiders had made a good play and i jumped and yelled in excitement as did the other silver and black fans around us. the drunk girl chiefs fan next to me elbowed me in the stomach and then proceeded to apologize over and over and over. i told her it was no big deal, not to worry about it. she said it was just a reaction, she was rooting for her team. i told her no worries. perhaps i am too nice. but one thing is for sure, it would take a lot to charge me as the asshole raiders fan.



its not something you get to do everyday, and im just thankful for my first time seeing the raiders, i got to spend it with my son. i am also thankful they won. but even if they hadnt, it would still have been awesome simply getting to see them play. but seriously though, fuck all you fans around us that were giving us shit. and to the douchebags booing us in the parking lot, go fuck yourselves. 

and as for if logan had fun or not, i would say this game winning field goal in OT sums it up nicely

JUST WIN BABY!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

gay bashing two loose bitches from vancouver

eric sent me a link to a story that hits close to home for me - the topic: the sedin faggoty twin gape bros.
dave bolland (center for the blackhawks) talks some shit about the gay duo and when asked if he hated all of the Canucks or just a lot of them bolland responded: "i hate all of them."

he also says "i think they might sleep in like bunk beds....the older one has the bottom and the younger one has the top."

thatta boy bolland - fuck them bitches up - i wanna see either one or both of them pickin their fuckin teef off the ice the next time yous guys play em. fuck em. fuck em up their stupid asses.

i listened to the whole interview on WGN radio - good shit! the interview is also with corey crawford (hawks goalie).

in an unrelated topic, you can see the kaner shuffle on you tube.

and just because i love byfuglien check this one out too

Thursday, December 1, 2011

santa is fuckin bad ass

so logan has gotten into swords because a certain uncle has some hanging from his walls and he thinks they're pretty awesome. which they are. and he has been asking for one for xmas. however i had not gone looking for anything like this so a trip to a few stores proved to be a let down. there are some out there. and some are bad ass....LOOKING but not in construction. they have loose handles and wobble when you wave them at the store clerk.

you have to keep in mind, he's 10 and while hanging them from the wall on display is a good idea, what he really wants to do is hack some fuckin shit up. i mean if there were a stray dog or cat or bunny runnin the neighborhood, i could see him goin after the poor bastard like a scene from LOTR (thats lord of the rings for those of you who arent in the know) i wasnt....dont feel bad.

so the point is, this thing must first and foremost be of superior construction. he is gonna swing it around in his room and probably break some shit and potentially hurt himself. i dont want this thing breaking damnit!

so where was i. oh yea, santa is the shiz-nit - and also hella fuckin violent. ladies and gents, i present to you, santas xmas gift to logan this year:

it comes (as you can see) with the wall mount and i played with this thing in the store....its not gonna break anytime soon. now maybe when he gets to highschool and the wrong motherfucker screws with him and he bludgens some poor fuck to death - then, maybe then it will take some abuse. but until then i see it holding up for a while.

santa is fuckin cool - i mean, battle weapons! sharp ones at that! c'mon i got the shaft. hah shaft. i can remember as a kid watchin peter pan and then wanting to make some kinda dagger like he had and all i could come up with was some shitty cardboard thing. now kids get the real deal.

im jealous, i'll be honest. there was a full size sword in the store i wanted to get for myself but my fuckin wife talked me outta it. some bs about me not needing a sword and we should spend $130 on the kids.....i am a kid bitch! lemme have a goddamned sword! do i really need to make one of those windows 7 slideshow commercials outta this shit?

"reasons why nick needs this fuckin sword"

slide one: protection from intruders
slide two: for cuttin the shit outta the plants around the yard - aka pruning
slide three: stabbing shit just cause it fuckin rules with a heavy handled sword in your hand
slide four: because you love me
slide five: cause im probably gonna go buy that shit later tonight anyway
slide six: maybe ill get more than one and me and the guys can have real sword fights and not that gay shit we usually do
slide seven: guys with swords are sexy
slide eight: how the fuck are we gonna defend ourselves against logan when he's weilding the santa clause devil axe??
slide nine: stabbing shit, cause really, you should fuckin try it
slide ten: i already bought it, sorry i couldnt wait for an answer

santa isnt the only one who gets to have fun this year

Friday, November 11, 2011

van halen

so im listenin to the radio, as you all have known me to do. and what comes on? "hot for teacher"

i will have you know i hate these fuckin cocksuckers so bad, i turned the station to nickleback's "this afternoon" and left it because it was better than listenin to david lee roth squeal like a fuckin bitch.

just to clarify, so theres no grey area here: both bands lick each others dirty brown assholes after they've thoroughly gaped one another with their own penises.

.....just ........so were clear.

Friday, November 4, 2011

just a little shitterhouse diddy

so i was sittin on the john while at work when i started to think of a song. i had the first line down when the tune to the song hit me. so i proceded to start the text so i could at least get the whole thing out and then i could always write it down later. none the less, without further adue, my smash hit:

i'm a little shithole (sung to the tune of i'm a little teapot)


i'm shitting from my poophole
plop plop plop

this is way way bigger than
my motherfucking cock

i'm straining and pushing but
it feels like a goddamned rock

it couldnt be some rabbit turds
its gotta be a whole fucking lot

i'm shitting from my poophole
plop plop plop

that shit is copyrighted fuckers!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

bitches aint shit

so as most of my friends know i should have been born nick "alfonso" p due to my love for certain rap artists. but i was looking for the lyrics to a particular song:

bitches aint shit by dr dre from the albumn chronic

which has the following lyrics as sung by snoop dogg:

bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks
lick on these nuts and suck the dick
gets the fuck out after you're done
and i hops in my ride to make a quick run

well obviously i found them and i found a graphical representation of this hook:

courtesy of rapgeniusdotcom

this was just too good not to post. sorry bitches. but the venn diagram wouldnt lie.



Monday, July 25, 2011

work email: picture day

this seems pretty self explanatory to me, but if it doesnt "just hit your call button and i'll have tommy come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you are a re- tard"



From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:43 PM
To: AU - All
Subject: Picture day

All
Tomorrow I’ll bring camera to take every body’s picture for our new website, please dress appropriately.

Agents,
You can have about 1-2 short paragraph on the website (OPTIONAL) to describe yourself, your profession and your qualifications. If you are interested please e-mail that to me ASAP.

Remote agents,
Please e-mail me your photos or come to the office tomorrow.


Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:49 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Can we make it themed? Ie. Hawaiian, black tie, s&m, care bears, polka, 50’s, 70’s, anime, farm animals etc????

I guess I need some clarification on “appropriately” – I don’t wanna be the only one wearing a ball gag……talk about awkward!

Nick | Agent

 
From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:50 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

Dress however you want to be presented to your clients and the world!


Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 
From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:52 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

So what you’re sayin Faran is a few whips and chains would add a nice touch to my leather zippered suit?

Nick | Agent

 
From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:55 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

That’s cool with me, we can even borrow Greg’s bike so you can stand in front of it.


Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 
From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:00 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Faran……I love it. props - now you’re thinkin. What else could we cram in there….maybe a camel or a blow up sheep? Throw in  a cake and some glitter – we could just make a party out of it tomorrow and people can get involved however they want…..and you can photograph it for us and use the best pic for the website. A kind of “in their natural surroundings” kinda shot ya know?

Oooh we should get one of those slip n slides and throw that in here too – down the halls and stuff

I like where you’re goin with this Faran, what else ya got?

Nick | Agent

 
From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:06 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

We can ask some of the girls to take their shirts off or wear wet shirts and stand in the back ground. I’m pretty sure that will attract some of our clients.


Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 
From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:21 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

That’s subtle Faran, but I think we should shy away from the whole sexual harassment side of things. After all we want this picture to say, “Insurance business name here, your one stop shop for insurance”

We don’t want it to say, “Insurance business name here, home of scantily clad babes and customer appreciation Thursdays where everyone gets a free prize”

But then again, you’re the IT dept – you’re the web designer – I trust your judgment on these sorts of things.

Should I bring a 5 gallon jar of oil tomorrow? You know for the slip n slide?

Nick | Agent
 
From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:36 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

Well, we can put that picture in the kitchen for entertainment. 5 gallon should be enough for these girls!


Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 
From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:38 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Well I mean, I can get you 10 gallons if you think we need it – I mean it might cost us a lil, but I know a guy – I can get ya 10 gallons by tomorrow.

Nick | Agent

 
From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:41 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

5 should b good


Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 
From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:57 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Alright, if people complain of rug burns I am sending them to you


Nick | Agent
 

Friday, July 15, 2011

4th 'o july

this is how we roll:


vid one: the fireworks strapped to logan's windmill project for school - see before pics and vid

windmill meltdown



and then vid number 2:
phil and i and our annual roman candle wars


god bless america

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

the ruler of ballsonya, in theaters just in time for the holidays!

so you've seen our shenanigans via pictures. however, its much more realistic when you get to see the video. in true dale fashion, this is fucking hilarious. this is aliumicock, in all of his glory.....scaring the shit out of platte river state park....enjoy:

alumicock

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

eric's bachelor party/bath house for gays

so the weekend of may 20th 2011 we guys decide to go "camping" and by "camping" i mean rent a cabin at PRSP (thats platte river state park for you city folks) and consume copious amounts of alcohol and or other drugs. now for some reason when we do this we become total homos. maybe we are all so secure with our sexuality we all know its in fun which makes for hilarious photos as youre about to see. now factor in the creativity of one dale s. and you wind up with posters like the one at the top of this blog. so lets ease into this....



this all seems harmless enough right? but then we get out the 10lb chubber and its all down hill from there (no i dont mean erics donger):






i love that we fashioned a yamaka outta foil for steindl...one of many items created this weekend for jeff from aluminum foil
now it is at this point (if youre not familiar with our fascination with foil) it gets a little weird...


 mike........love the enthusiasm!

now by about this time its probably....wait i can tell you - gotta love digital pics....3 am and were all shitfaced. now we saw some larpers reportedly lurking around the other cabin aka tear room. so we thought well fuck we have our own action hero right here! lets get him in the game! we all get in my car (dont drink and drive....this is a public service annoucement from your insurance agent) and drive shitfaced over to the larpers whereabouts - which is three doors down (no not that faggety band) from the tear room. team bravo was out scouting for the larpers which were no where to be found. however team alpha had alumicock(tm) primed and ready

so we run around the cabins peering in windows and just overall being perverts when we hear what sounds to be a live exorcism - i cant describe the noise....like a dead limp body being repeatedly dropped on the floor from the top bunk of a bed...combined with some kind of language ive never heard before with bitches yellin and speaking in tongues and just overall being obnoxious. i mean c'mon, this is a state park.

so we just so happen to have a set of keys to the tear room while dale and joe are still out larp busting. so we got a great idea. mike and i will .....mike and ike...sorry....mike and i will case our own cabin waiting for dale and joe to come back from larp banging meanwhile nick and alumicock will hide inside the tear room, camera ready, so that when dale and joe come back, alumicock can spring forth and spray dale and joe in the face with suprise while nick gets the shot!!




you cant tell, but ask dale...i dont think they were expecting alumicock

course....neither was i.....
so that was friday night. saturday we had a whole lotta drinking planned. and making grub. and a triumphant return of alumicock....but one thing at a time. you cant rush these things. we made some breakfast which consisted of eggs, fried cheddar bites, sausage and margarita's as jeff called them (they were bartles and james wine coolers)


 
after a duece or two or three we moved on to the preparation of the man loaf aka pork attack, sausage invasion, arterey clogger, hot sausage injection, swine orgasm...something along those lines. the recipe can be found here.

this is mikes "oh" face...which stands for onion face

and the finished result are these delicious beauties right here:

and while those bitches were cooking for 5 hours in the smoker we enjoyed some drinks, played some polish horeshoes as i call them, and decorated our christmas tree....

  we started with a few decorations which grew in numbers as the night wore on....

















by the end of the night we (it was a collective group effort) had created a helmut, cape, armor, weaponry, and a whole lotta phallic shapped objects.....even a condom for the helmet cock...after all this group is all about safety first















and thanks to dale you can bring the action home too with the new trading game sweeping across larpers of all ages, ladies and gentlemen....get em while theyre hot.....