fuck them retard fuckin alien ginger twin sons a bitches

so the hawks lost game 7 vs vancuver and are out of the playoffs and these two fucktards didnt help matters early on in the series:

daniel (#22) and henrik (#33).....gay canadian lovers/brothers

in fairness though the blackcocks didnt help themselves. all season long i am thinking to myself too little too late. it was the last day....the last fucking day of the season when dallas choked which allowed chicago to go to the playoffs in the first place. chi lost their last game of the season which they needed to win in order to control their own destiny. they couldnt even pull that off.

why so much trouble this year? well when you stock up on talent and players like they did last year and you have a team that scores more points on the penalty kill then they do in regular ice time which is accomplished through teamwork and heart and dedication by the team as a whole - then you have a stanley cup winning team.

however when the next year rolls around and you have to be within the constraints of sallary caps - you have to trim the fat. in chicago trim the fat means get rid of a lot of good players. they trade eager (lw) sopel (rw) byfuglien (rw) and ladd (lw) all to atlanta for a couple no names and a draft pick. whoopty fuckin shit. versteeg (rw) was traded to toronto.

bleacher report dot com says: "Chicago lost three of its players including one that made a big difference for them in the Stanley Cup finals (Byfuglein). They will be able to replace these guys though and continue on winning."

perhaps this is true in time and perhaps i am just sour over losing my main man. and perhaps bleacher report should learn to spell byfuglien's name right. but with any report on the moves the hawks made in the off season, everyone seems to justify it for the sake of clearing up room in the cap - why do we need to clear up space in the cap? because we pay pretty boys like toews and kane way to much fuckin money. toews i can justify - sorta. anyone who knows his performace this year is falling way short to that of last year. he's had slumps where he doesnt score for numerous games at a time. thats unacceptable. youre one of the highest paid players on the team and you dont produce? but i like toews - i think he will be great.

but kane hasnt produced shit this year. if youve watched them, he skates around like he could give two shits about being out on the ice. there is no aggression, there are hardly any shots to the goal and this is one of our number one scorers not to mention the douche who scored the game winning goal for the cup last year. 

and thats what i think chi is hanging its hat on. we have to keep this guy (kane) because he won it for us. bull shit - fuck that. if i was quenneville i would tell that fuckin pussy shit to "fuck or walk" -  id let alec baldwin talk some sense into him

we lost a lot of our muscle. we lost a lot of our heart. and what we got for trade didnt make up for the loss. and relying on our big names to pick up the slack? fuck....thats a nice thought.

the one replacement i have to say i am happy about is crawford. i liked niemi last year but he was hot and cold and undependable. you didnt know from one game to the next if he was gonna make you or break you. that kind of inconsistency in goal is not a good spot to be in. so the hawks bring in a rookie and the hawks need to do everything they can to keep him. the chicago tribune says:

"(Crawford is) a top priority for us," said Bowman. "He has earned the right to be a No. 1 goalie for us, and our team loves playing in front of him. He has the right demeanor, the right approach (and) a great attitude. He wants to sign more than just a one-year contract ... and we're in the same boat. There are still negotiations to be done, but I'm very optimistic it's going to work itself out." Crawford is a restricted free agent after earning $850,000 this past season. The rookie netminder posted 33 wins with a 2.30 GAA and a. 917 save percentage. Apr. 29 - 6:33 am et

i could tell while watching the games this year that it just wasnt there. but thats the beauty of a team thats this young. you get to watch them grow and mold and improve. there's always next year.

chicago

depart eppley airfield 10:35am friday 3/25/11

prior to arrival we met up at nicks house so the girls could drink mimosas and generally discuss the anxiousness that everyone was feeling prior to departure from the fields of corn to the windy city. thats no shit let me tell you - fuckin place is a fuckin wind tunnel. i digress. we all hang out at the gate waiting to leave. see our pretty plane:

three rum and cokes later we arrive at midway. first time drinking on a plane. i highly advise it. 

eric our fearless leader had a navi system built into his brain. the whole trip i follow him around like a retarded cow lost in the pasture.

theres trains and shit to catch. midway is midway between the ghetto and the fucking ghetto. so we take the orange line as i recall to get to where were staying, the seneca. so we ride the train - first time of one of them too - the ones at the zoo dont count i was told. and you can see chicago's large buildings looming in the distance.

the seneca is located right next to the herbie hancock tower:

we go get oursevles settled in our rooms and take in the grandeur of the whole experience. and then we start drinking. i had a bottle o jerrys tucked away in the suitcase for such an occasion which nick and i took to like thirsty mules in the desert. i dont recall how much of the 750ml bottle was gone prior to us leaving to "wander the city" but i know it didnt live to see another day. so off we all go and whilst floating through the windy city on a wonderful rum buzz we happen to run into one of the places this fat ass couldnt wait to eat at: Giordanos

 

.

we all nom nom some of this fine pizza that if i may say was a little - no wait was really fuckin skimpy on the toppings - cept for the cheese. the cheese i could put my dick into. it was that good. i came away with a souvineer cup. i didnt see anyone else take one but i just assumed it was like my collection of pepperjax cups at home. so we all proceded back up to the seneca to drop off our leftovers and take a shit. i proceded to drink some more and then we all went back out wandering again. we checked out michigan ave:

 

we come across the punisher along the way

 

and then we wander in to some bar which i dont recall the name of but i know we all had our share of drinks. i know i had a vodka monster which is like a redbull vodka cept its made with ....you know what this isnt a fucking cooking show - figure it out. the next one they brought me was a vodka vodka. i was drunk by the time i left. i managed to bum a cig off this chick:

we then wandered to a place called dicks last resort which was a sportsbar esque type of place - at least the food was like that and the drinks were plentiful and the staff sucked ass and there was a live band. the whole idea behind this place is that if you ask your waitress for a bottle of ketchup, this is what you get:

not to mention that they do this really fucked up thing of making hats for you. by the end of dinner everyone was wearing a hat that was well less than appropriate for a sports bar:

 i love how nicks giving the finger

 

the hats read as follows:

im not gay but my girlfriend is

i feel pretty

i <3 dicks

i pump chump

the more hair i loose the more head i get

sperm bank deposit here ---->

i have a hairy butt crack

my wife calls me speedy

mine read: "my wife calls me sweetie" at least thats what i thought it said until i went to the shitter and saw in the mirror it actually read "my wife calls me speedy" i am sure if someone has a pic of me they will throw it on here. although this is me at the end of the night:

                              SHITHAMMERED

and this was also me, trying to light erics ass:

The following day was spent with more wandering. mainly shopping as i had strapped on my vagina that morning and felt like walking great fucking distances somewhat hungover and starved for blackcocks gear. but before heading out i managed to get some strange from the hotel lobby i'd had my eye on the night before:

 so back to michigan av we went where we found the official blackcocks store. lame. across the street we found the jackpot. blew a bunch o money and proceded to wander further. it is at this time i would like to show you one of the creepiest fucking things ive ever witnessed:



there is a person (i assume a man; drunk off of aqua velvet and on the chicago sex offenders registry) inside of this mobile molestation mobile. those are hand puppets and they are choreographed in a dance number i like to call "bring the kiddies over here" he's just trying to make an earnest living folks. if you look close enough you can see his dick in the tip box. if you  would care to get the live experience for yourself click here and then at the bottom it says "dance" - click on that and then click the "dance 3" link and sit back and take a gander.

a couple more pics from our wanderings:

onward - for the real reason were in this city in the first place:

Saturday March 26th 7:30pm Ducks vs Hawks

i dont have a ton of good pics as i think i drank so much that my camera became drunk. or at least thats what i'm going with. the following are the best i could come up with:

 

so as you can see the ducks won 2-1 but it didnt matter because there was a liquor store on the way back to the seneca called holiday wine and spirits which nick and i hit up two of the three nights for their "2 drunks and a bottle o rum" special.

a couple pics not because i like him, but i think his car is cool - i think he is a pretty boy who is too worried about dancing and technique rather than kickin the shit outta somebody and takin it to the net - patrick kane's camaro:

the lonely walk of shame - your team lost - you could do it you know, you could jump and time it just right.....

more drinking occurred after this - the whole group will tell you its a blur at that point - all i know is i wound up in some bar that we straggled off the street into at 1:30am and i was drinking schlitz gay tall boys - that pretty much sums it up



now it was this night that i have trouble piecing together some epic details. this is where you 7 will have to comment to bring all of the pieces together. i have no fucking clue where this bar is - thats a real shocker. so i think for the sake of ease and exhaustion we all decide to get a cab back. i dont recall where we found this cab. all i remember is being in the front seat - fat asses ride shotgun in chicago, in case you were wondering - and i recall striking up a conversation with the cab driver. i dont remember how we/i got on the subject but i asked him the following:

do you know where to find any girls who we can pay for sex?

(he asked me to repeat myself - he was from a country with lots of sand)

you know hookers? do you know where we can get some hookers?

Hookers? he asks

yea prostitutes girls i can pay for sex

now it rings a bell for him

no no no no i dont....

have you ever paid for sex?

no no no i dont...

it was about this time (i was told) that we almost ran some unsuspecting fucker over with the cab. i must've been throwing off his concentration with the whole hooker talk - so i ask him

have you ever killed anybody in your cab

no no no i never....

i gave him a tip and told him he was a good sport about the whole thing. nice guy though.

the following day was sunday :( our last day before departure. about the only thing on the agenda this day was mr beef as seen on food network, willis (used to be sears) tower, and erin & dale had a show to see at the house of blues:

so we wandered off to find mr beef only to get there and realize they werent open on sundays. no biggie, we'll just head off to another place a couple blocks from there. let me stop you here. i learned (and this is because im a tubby bastard) that a "couple blocks" in real time means for-fucking-ever. this is made even longer by a bloody nose that will not stop bleeding. i blew a snot rocket, i distinctly remember linds sayin to me, "you got that" to which i responded with another rocket out the other nostril which proceeded to bleed like a hooker on a bad night.

so....."a couple blocks" later and several pints of blood down my throat we find out mr beef is mr closed. so i go next door to some irish pub, wander down stairs to where the signs were pointing was a bathroom - although i was convinced it was a tier room. i finally get some tp and wad it up and hold it to my face. i am in the stall with the door open and bloodied tissue held to my face. some guy comes in, he guy doesnt say anything. he pisses at the urinal. i proceed to wad up more tp and put it in my pocket. then i go to the sink to clean myself up. theres a little dried blood on my lip but nothing huge. so im washing my hands when all of a sudden splatters of blood start falling into the water and all over the sink. i look up in the mirror and the blood has proceded to fill the tp and go around it out of my nose. this has to be one of the worst nose bleeds ive ever had. im boring you now arent i? unicorns cant scream when you rape them.

im not kidding, i wish i had a pic. there is fucking blood everywhere. i try to clean it up as the guy finishes beatin off and comes to wash his hands. he is standing behind me with a mean hardon. i wipe up what blood i thought was left, meanwhile its still coming from my nose. i back up, not into his mean hardon and let him wash up his semen i mean his hands. while doing so, i look at the sink notice his dick is in the sink. no not really, but there is blood i missed still around the fucking sink.

i have no idea how much time elapsed while i was in the tier room but it felt like forever. i finally managed to clean up the murder scene of a bathroom and switch out nose tampons. i get a fresh one in and head back upstairs and outside where the gang is waiting for me - in the cold. so now i am wandering around with my head up and a wad of tp in my nose. at this point the group wants to shoot the weakest link, or kill the shittiest dancer, or mawl the cutest bunny, or eat the fattest survivor. so i feel bad. the next destination is al's #1 itialian beef 

it was fucking delicious. tp in my nose and all. this shit was sopping in its own juices and there were peppers on it (sweet and hot) and the beef was so tender from being beaten and the hogie roll was saturated in juices and the whole thing just oozed....you know what - you have to be there to know the magic of this part. lets just say i was not disappointed we didnt eat at mr beef.

right down the street was a mcdonalds that looked like it belonged in a porno. sorry no pic of that. wasnt thinking. and right next to the snuffdonalds was the hardcock:



dale went in and got him some drum sticks and i waited out front and bumed a cig from eric and bled out on the street corner. then on to willis tower. this is a fun thing to go see. once. only once. never again. if you like standing in line for hours like a bunch of fucking cattle - then this is your place. although once up there it was quite nice. but the rest of the time - sucked balls. cept for when they took our group pic and the person standing there said "can you guys move in a lil closer? ok ready?" and i snuck in a "watch it thats my dick" - the end result is a pic of smiling people which i dont have a copy of to put up but - you know what i dont have to fuckin impress you. just look at the damn photos:

after a long day of walking we all decided to take a cab back to the seneca. Erin and Dale were running late for their show at the house of blues and none of us really felt like walking. so we hailed a minivan taxi and all 8 of us hopped in. well it was more like smashed in. you see we broke this young cabbies cherry. we were the most he'd ever had in one fare.

i tried to conversate with him like i had the previous cabbie but this guy had trouble understanding me. and i was fucking sober this time. i asked what he liked to do for fun, he said he went to school to be computer engineer. i told him i went to school for english but i wasnt very good at it. he just kinda looked at me. i said what do you do at night and on the weekends for fun? i said for example, i like to drink rum, do you drink rum? you could tell he had no idea what the fuck i was talkin about. he asks me if rum is a type of alcohol in a presumptuous tone. this fucker has me pegged. do i scream alcoholic? sure some would consider (3) 750ml of rum between two dudes in a 3 day period is a problem. i am not one of those people. i am however on vacation. he tells me he doesnt drink alcohol of any kind. well shit what are we supposed to talk about now car ramrod? i asked him if he likes living in the city. he says he doesnt, he lives outside of it and goes to school in the city. i ask him how long he has been driving a cab? he says 3 months.  i ask him if he likes being a cabbie? he tells me no, he doesnt. i say but what the hell it pays the bills right? yes - is what i get from this guy.

so we get back and erin and dale head out to their show, meanwhile the rest of us mill around a lil bummed about it being the last night. nick and are working on our 3rd and final bottle of cap'n from holiday wine and spirits. we kill it. the night winds down. people crash. kara and i are the only ones left wobbling. its like 2:30 in the morning. we have to get up in 2 hours. i say fuck it im crashin. kara holds the torch and stays up the entire night. come 4:30 am when the alarm is going off (which is nicks gay disco dance dance revolution ring tone) Kara pops in the room with lord knows how many pots of coffee in her and says good morning! we all start to wake up. that is if we ever truly slept to begin with. 

suzie got this great idea the day before that rather than takin the orange line back to the airport that we could do a pair o lincoln towncars for the same price as a couple cabs. so we roll outta chitown in one silver and one black lincoln towncar.

departure midway monday 3/28 7:45am

i feel like ive been beat in the ass with a dead rabbit. not enough sleep. alotta rum. eric said it best. this whole weekend felt like one long night. no rum & cokes on this plane ride. just a head full of laughs and a camera full of memories. 

you guys readin this shit? whata fag - we shoulda left his ass in chicago