stern to bow: the rms titanic (rip)

we all know the hearwarming true story of ship ahead of its time. a ship bound for greatness. a ship destined to roam the ocean free. a shit ship unlike any before it. it was a huge motherfucker. and there were rich assholes runnin around and snudy bitches beggin to be fucked in lifeboats. chaos. just chaos. or at least thats how hollywood portrayed it.

well today i am here to lend some new light on an otherwise sunken bit of history. i am not talking about a boat, rather shit. feces. dung. flop. hershey turds. crap. dont wory there are no actual pics of my shit. you all have seen that before. well, some of you. the rest of you....just wait. your day will come.

so lets bring this into its context. you're sittin on the shitter. doin your thang. and its a biggin. you can tell by the way your ass feels like its being split open for a 2x4 to come through. none the less you press on. this is a delicate matter. because if you wanna be able to tell your friends and co-workers that you just dropped a titanic in the bathroom you have to procede with caution.

so your shit is somewhere around 1/3 to 1/2 the way out of your rectum at this point. DO NOT PINCH IT OFF! if you do you will have failed. we need this thing whole. no breaking of the poo. you can break bread, just not shit. you should be somewhere (depending on diet) around 4-6 inches at this point. now you're all sitting there high and mighty sayin to yourselves, well thats just insane, ive never dropped an 8-12inch deuce. well thats great then this post wasnt for you. go slob down a 8-12inch cock.

where were we? ah yes the second half. slow n steady says the tortoise. i think thats how you spell it. fuck it im not looking it up. the stupic fuckin turtle that beat the rabit. study your childrens tales people. i digress. slowly push as you feel the soft warm forearm shape exit your bowels. typically for myself i reach a point towards the end where it just uses gravity and sorta slips on out. this is usually due to the elasticity of the rectum and having been stretched out for some length of time. now if you've done this technique properly, when you stand up, prior to wiping so as not to obstruct the view of your accomplishment, your poo should look something like this:
mine normally uses the sides of the bowl for support
courtesy of american cruise lines

the idea here is that you've sucessfully delivered what your colon sent to you - all in one piece. this doesnt happen with just any poo. this has to be one worthy of the title titanic or stern to bow as i call it. why stern to bow? well you see each shit has a stern and each shit has a bow. the picture below is a great depiction of the stern to bow:

courtesy of encyclopedia-titanica

the stern of the shit just as it is on a ship is the behind section, the rear end if you will. the last part to fall from your ass. this is also the last part to sink just as it were on the titanic. the bow is the opposite end. it is the front. it is the first to go under water. it is the first part of the shit to come from your anus. so as it sits in the porcelain ocean just as in the pic above: stern to bow. the stern being above the water line and the bow being below it.

when boiler room 6 is breached she's liable to snap or break off before you're ready to. THIS IS BAD. you've worked hard to come so far and have the voyage end like this. none the less, it happens to us all...

it breaks in half and now you've got the titanic lying at the bottom of the ocean in separate parts:
courtesy of mad gif

there is nothing spectacular about this. this is an every day occurrence. the stern to bow IS what we came here for. my only advice is to try again next time. the odds are you forced it and the stern to bow just cannot be forced. it is a work of art. and to frame that artwork may i suggest a tried and true method of shitter jumping.

shitter jumping is, as some of you've seen me do before, when you drop something noteworthy in a toilet and you want to leave it for the next person to see, to bask in its ambience. DONT WIPE. simply stuff a few squares of toilet paper up your ass, pull up your pants and move over to the shitter next to you. if you're at your house, go to one of the other bathrooms. if this is the only bathroom available, you have three options: 1) suck it up pull up your pants and walk outta there or 2) take a picture with your phone to preserve its greatness, clean yourself up and flush and 3) wipe but throw the shitted paper in the trash can. im a proponent of option 3. works well in a pinch.

so go off my wonderful pupils of the poo. do wonderous things. make the world a better place. do everything you said you would do at this point in life. and while youre at it, add the stern to bow to that list.