to say this years playoffs have been exciting is an understatement. all one has to do is watch the series thus far between the penguins and the flyers and you notice its more like a ufc match than a hockey game. and i am all for that. fighting is and always was the attraction to me. that being said, much like football, there has to be rules in order to keep players safe. safe - as in head trauma. not dumbing down the sport. not making it like other pussy sports out there.
there have been calls during the playoffs that arent getting the same attention as other similar calls. there is no ryhme or reason as to how the nhl's "disciplinarian" brendan shanahan is doling out his punishments.
case 1: det vs nash
shea weber punching henrik zetterberg in the head and proceding to ram him into the glass click
that resulted in weber being fined $2500 - whoopty fuckin shit
case 2: chi vs pheonix
andrew shaw of chicago was coming around behind the net to play a puck that goalie mike smith was going for. shaw skates by and grazes smith. shanahan says it was not incidental and was a forcefull blow to the head and that he showed no signs of trying to avoid the collision. smith in reaction (much like a kicker in the nfl does) throws himself to the ice to make it more dramatic click and go to 3:00 and watch as their heads do collide but smith puts on his best acting skills. shaw in turn gets ejected from the game and the yotes go on a 5min major power play for game misconduct - shaw in turn was suspended by shanahan for 3 games due to that hit. mike smith came right back in and played, finished the game and started the game last night. to say he embelleshed the hit is an understatement.
case 3: chi vs pheonix
marian hossa was making a pass at center ice when raffi torres of the coyotes left his feet and drove his shoulder into hossas' helmet. no ref saw the brutal and illegal hit and therefore there was no penalty on torres. click torres finished the game. hossa was taken to the hospital and released. as of right now shanahan has suspended torres indefinitly as a hearing is being held in NYC on friday which was originally scheduled for today but torres is a fucking pussy and asked for an extention.
case 4 (2011): chi vs vancouver
yet again raffi torres playing like the dirty motherfucker he is takes another whack at a guy who doesnt see him. brent seabrook of chi was looking to accept a pass behind the net when torres takes him out click this was torres first game back from a 4 game suspension for pulling the same shit. torres gets a 2 minute minor for "interference" - torres was not suspended for this hit.
so whats my point? just that in a modern era with the technology we have with replays and such there seems to me to be way too much gray area and only one guy doling out the punishments in a hap hazardly fashion. where is the black and white? where is the, you throw an elbow, you get this as a punishment? you leave your feet, 5 game suspension. it should be in writing and it should be reviewed, slowed down, picked apart and dealt with appropriately. where as right now i feel like they are making all of the calls, the refs and the so called "disciplinarian" by the seat of their pants. its not that i want rid of the fighting, i said it and i'll say it again that to me is just a part of the sport. its the dirty shit like the hits from weber and torres that players should be protected from.
fuck em up flyers
fuck them up their stupid asses
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
stern to bow: the rms titanic (rip)
we all know the hearwarming true story of ship ahead of its time. a ship bound for greatness. a ship destined to roam the ocean free. a shit ship unlike any before it. it was a huge motherfucker. and there were rich assholes runnin around and snudy bitches beggin to be fucked in lifeboats. chaos. just chaos. or at least thats how hollywood portrayed it.
well today i am here to lend some new light on an otherwise sunken bit of history. i am not talking about a boat, rather shit. feces. dung. flop. hershey turds. crap. dont wory there are no actual pics of my shit. you all have seen that before. well, some of you. the rest of you....just wait. your day will come.
so lets bring this into its context. you're sittin on the shitter. doin your thang. and its a biggin. you can tell by the way your ass feels like its being split open for a 2x4 to come through. none the less you press on. this is a delicate matter. because if you wanna be able to tell your friends and co-workers that you just dropped a titanic in the bathroom you have to procede with caution.
so your shit is somewhere around 1/3 to 1/2 the way out of your rectum at this point. DO NOT PINCH IT OFF! if you do you will have failed. we need this thing whole. no breaking of the poo. you can break bread, just not shit. you should be somewhere (depending on diet) around 4-6 inches at this point. now you're all sitting there high and mighty sayin to yourselves, well thats just insane, ive never dropped an 8-12inch deuce. well thats great then this post wasnt for you. go slob down a 8-12inch cock.
where were we? ah yes the second half. slow n steady says the tortoise. i think thats how you spell it. fuck it im not looking it up. the stupic fuckin turtle that beat the rabit. study your childrens tales people. i digress. slowly push as you feel the soft warm forearm shape exit your bowels. typically for myself i reach a point towards the end where it just uses gravity and sorta slips on out. this is usually due to the elasticity of the rectum and having been stretched out for some length of time. now if you've done this technique properly, when you stand up, prior to wiping so as not to obstruct the view of your accomplishment, your poo should look something like this:
mine normally uses the sides of the bowl for support
courtesy of american cruise lines
the idea here is that you've sucessfully delivered what your colon sent to you - all in one piece. this doesnt happen with just any poo. this has to be one worthy of the title titanic or stern to bow as i call it. why stern to bow? well you see each shit has a stern and each shit has a bow. the picture below is a great depiction of the stern to bow:
courtesy of encyclopedia-titanica
the stern of the shit just as it is on a ship is the behind section, the rear end if you will. the last part to fall from your ass. this is also the last part to sink just as it were on the titanic. the bow is the opposite end. it is the front. it is the first to go under water. it is the first part of the shit to come from your anus. so as it sits in the porcelain ocean just as in the pic above: stern to bow. the stern being above the water line and the bow being below it.
when boiler room 6 is breached she's liable to snap or break off before you're ready to. THIS IS BAD. you've worked hard to come so far and have the voyage end like this. none the less, it happens to us all...
it breaks in half and now you've got the titanic lying at the bottom of the ocean in separate parts:
courtesy of mad gif
there is nothing spectacular about this. this is an every day occurrence. the stern to bow IS what we came here for. my only advice is to try again next time. the odds are you forced it and the stern to bow just cannot be forced. it is a work of art. and to frame that artwork may i suggest a tried and true method of shitter jumping.
shitter jumping is, as some of you've seen me do before, when you drop something noteworthy in a toilet and you want to leave it for the next person to see, to bask in its ambience. DONT WIPE. simply stuff a few squares of toilet paper up your ass, pull up your pants and move over to the shitter next to you. if you're at your house, go to one of the other bathrooms. if this is the only bathroom available, you have three options: 1) suck it up pull up your pants and walk outta there or 2) take a picture with your phone to preserve its greatness, clean yourself up and flush and 3) wipe but throw the shitted paper in the trash can. im a proponent of option 3. works well in a pinch.
so go off my wonderful pupils of the poo. do wonderous things. make the world a better place. do everything you said you would do at this point in life. and while youre at it, add the stern to bow to that list.
well today i am here to lend some new light on an otherwise sunken bit of history. i am not talking about a boat, rather shit. feces. dung. flop. hershey turds. crap. dont wory there are no actual pics of my shit. you all have seen that before. well, some of you. the rest of you....just wait. your day will come.
so lets bring this into its context. you're sittin on the shitter. doin your thang. and its a biggin. you can tell by the way your ass feels like its being split open for a 2x4 to come through. none the less you press on. this is a delicate matter. because if you wanna be able to tell your friends and co-workers that you just dropped a titanic in the bathroom you have to procede with caution.
so your shit is somewhere around 1/3 to 1/2 the way out of your rectum at this point. DO NOT PINCH IT OFF! if you do you will have failed. we need this thing whole. no breaking of the poo. you can break bread, just not shit. you should be somewhere (depending on diet) around 4-6 inches at this point. now you're all sitting there high and mighty sayin to yourselves, well thats just insane, ive never dropped an 8-12inch deuce. well thats great then this post wasnt for you. go slob down a 8-12inch cock.
where were we? ah yes the second half. slow n steady says the tortoise. i think thats how you spell it. fuck it im not looking it up. the stupic fuckin turtle that beat the rabit. study your childrens tales people. i digress. slowly push as you feel the soft warm forearm shape exit your bowels. typically for myself i reach a point towards the end where it just uses gravity and sorta slips on out. this is usually due to the elasticity of the rectum and having been stretched out for some length of time. now if you've done this technique properly, when you stand up, prior to wiping so as not to obstruct the view of your accomplishment, your poo should look something like this:
mine normally uses the sides of the bowl for supportcourtesy of american cruise lines
the idea here is that you've sucessfully delivered what your colon sent to you - all in one piece. this doesnt happen with just any poo. this has to be one worthy of the title titanic or stern to bow as i call it. why stern to bow? well you see each shit has a stern and each shit has a bow. the picture below is a great depiction of the stern to bow:
courtesy of encyclopedia-titanica
the stern of the shit just as it is on a ship is the behind section, the rear end if you will. the last part to fall from your ass. this is also the last part to sink just as it were on the titanic. the bow is the opposite end. it is the front. it is the first to go under water. it is the first part of the shit to come from your anus. so as it sits in the porcelain ocean just as in the pic above: stern to bow. the stern being above the water line and the bow being below it.
when boiler room 6 is breached she's liable to snap or break off before you're ready to. THIS IS BAD. you've worked hard to come so far and have the voyage end like this. none the less, it happens to us all...
it breaks in half and now you've got the titanic lying at the bottom of the ocean in separate parts:
courtesy of mad gif
there is nothing spectacular about this. this is an every day occurrence. the stern to bow IS what we came here for. my only advice is to try again next time. the odds are you forced it and the stern to bow just cannot be forced. it is a work of art. and to frame that artwork may i suggest a tried and true method of shitter jumping.
shitter jumping is, as some of you've seen me do before, when you drop something noteworthy in a toilet and you want to leave it for the next person to see, to bask in its ambience. DONT WIPE. simply stuff a few squares of toilet paper up your ass, pull up your pants and move over to the shitter next to you. if you're at your house, go to one of the other bathrooms. if this is the only bathroom available, you have three options: 1) suck it up pull up your pants and walk outta there or 2) take a picture with your phone to preserve its greatness, clean yourself up and flush and 3) wipe but throw the shitted paper in the trash can. im a proponent of option 3. works well in a pinch.
so go off my wonderful pupils of the poo. do wonderous things. make the world a better place. do everything you said you would do at this point in life. and while youre at it, add the stern to bow to that list.
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