van halen

so im listenin to the radio, as you all have known me to do. and what comes on? "hot for teacher"

i will have you know i hate these fuckin cocksuckers so bad, i turned the station to nickleback's "this afternoon" and left it because it was better than listenin to david lee roth squeal like a fuckin bitch.

just to clarify, so theres no grey area here: both bands lick each others dirty brown assholes after they've thoroughly gaped one another with their own penises.

.....just ........so were clear.

just a little shitterhouse diddy

so i was sittin on the john while at work when i started to think of a song. i had the first line down when the tune to the song hit me. so i proceded to start the text so i could at least get the whole thing out and then i could always write it down later. none the less, without further adue, my smash hit:

i'm a little shithole (sung to the tune of i'm a little teapot)

i'm shitting from my poophole

plop plop plop

this is way way bigger than

my motherfucking cock

i'm straining and pushing but

it feels like a goddamned rock

it couldnt be some rabbit turds

its gotta be a whole fucking lot

i'm shitting from my poophole

plop plop plop

that shit is copyrighted fuckers!

bitches aint shit

so as most of my friends know i should have been born nick "alfonso" p due to my love for certain rap artists. but i was looking for the lyrics to a particular song:

bitches aint shit by dr dre from the albumn chronic

which has the following lyrics as sung by snoop dogg:

bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks
lick on these nuts and suck the dick
gets the fuck out after you're done
and i hops in my ride to make a quick run

well obviously i found them and i found a graphical representation of this hook:

courtesy of rapgeniusdotcom

this was just too good not to post. sorry bitches. but the venn diagram wouldnt lie.



work email: picture day

this seems pretty self explanatory to me, but if it doesnt "just hit your call button and i'll have tommy come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you are a re- tard"

From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:43 PM
To: AU - All
Subject: Picture day

All

Tomorrow I’ll bring camera to take every body’s picture for our new website, please dress appropriately.

Agents,

You can have about 1-2 short paragraph on the website (OPTIONAL) to describe yourself, your profession and your qualifications. If you are interested please e-mail that to me ASAP.

Remote agents,

Please e-mail me your photos or come to the office tomorrow.

Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:49 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Can we make it themed? Ie. Hawaiian, black tie, s&m, care bears, polka, 50’s, 70’s, anime, farm animals etc????

I guess I need some clarification on “appropriately” – I don’t wanna be the only one wearing a ball gag……talk about awkward!

Nick | Agent

 

From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:50 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

Dress however you want to be presented to your clients and the world!

Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:52 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

So what you’re sayin Faran is a few whips and chains would add a nice touch to my leather zippered suit?

Nick | Agent

 

From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:55 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

That’s cool with me, we can even borrow Greg’s bike so you can stand in front of it.

Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:00 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Faran……I love it. props - now you’re thinkin. What else could we cram in there….maybe a camel or a blow up sheep? Throw in  a cake and some glitter – we could just make a party out of it tomorrow and people can get involved however they want…..and you can photograph it for us and use the best pic for the website. A kind of “in their natural surroundings” kinda shot ya know?

Oooh we should get one of those slip n slides and throw that in here too – down the halls and stuff

I like where you’re goin with this Faran, what else ya got?

Nick | Agent

 

From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:06 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

We can ask some of the girls to take their shirts off or wear wet shirts and stand in the back ground. I’m pretty sure that will attract some of our clients.

Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:21 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

That’s subtle Faran, but I think we should shy away from the whole sexual harassment side of things. After all we want this picture to say, “Insurance business name here, your one stop shop for insurance”

We don’t want it to say, “Insurance business name here, home of scantily clad babes and customer appreciation Thursdays where everyone gets a free prize”

But then again, you’re the IT dept – you’re the web designer – I trust your judgment on these sorts of things.

Should I bring a 5 gallon jar of oil tomorrow? You know for the slip n slide?

Nick | Agent

 

From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:36 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

Well, we can put that picture in the kitchen for entertainment. 5 gallon should be enough for these girls!

Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:38 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Well I mean, I can get you 10 gallons if you think we need it – I mean it might cost us a lil, but I know a guy – I can get ya 10 gallons by tomorrow.

Nick | Agent

 

From: Faran
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:41 PM
To: Nick
Subject: RE: Picture day

5 should b good

Thank you

Faran | IT Manager

 

From: Nick
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 2:57 PM
To: Faran
Subject: RE: Picture day

Alright, if people complain of rug burns I am sending them to you

Nick | Agent

 

4th 'o july

this is how we roll:


vid one: the fireworks strapped to logan's windmill project for school - see before pics and vid

windmill meltdown

and then vid number 2:

phil and i and our annual roman candle wars

candle wars

god bless america

the ruler of ballsonya, in theaters just in time for the holidays!

so you've seen our shenanigans via pictures. however, its much more realistic when you get to see the video. in true dale fashion, this is fucking hilarious. this is aliumicock, in all of his glory.....scaring the shit out of platte river state park....enjoy:

alumicock

eric's bachelor party/bath house for gays

so the weekend of may 20th 2011 we guys decide to go "camping" and by "camping" i mean rent a cabin at PRSP (thats platte river state park for you city folks) and consume copious amounts of alcohol and or other drugs. now for some reason when we do this we become total homos. maybe we are all so secure with our sexuality we all know its in fun which makes for hilarious photos as youre about to see. now factor in the creativity of one dale s. and you wind up with posters like the one at the top of this blog. so lets ease into this....

this all seems harmless enough right? but then we get out the 10lb chubber and its all down hill from there (no i dont mean erics donger):

i love that we fashioned a yamaka outta foil for steindl...one of many items created this weekend for jeff from aluminum foil

now it is at this point (if youre not familiar with our fascination with foil) it gets a little weird...

 mike........love the enthusiasm!

now by about this time its probably....wait i can tell you - gotta love digital pics....3 am and were all shitfaced. now we saw some larpers reportedly lurking around the other cabin aka tear room. so we thought well fuck we have our own action hero right here! lets get him in the game! we all get in my car (dont drink and drive....this is a public service annoucement from your insurance agent) and drive shitfaced over to the larpers whereabouts - which is three doors down (no not that faggety band) from the tear room. team bravo was out scouting for the larpers which were no where to be found. however team alpha had alumicock(tm) primed and ready

so we run around the cabins peering in windows and just overall being perverts when we hear what sounds to be a live exorcism - i cant describe the noise....like a dead limp body being repeatedly dropped on the floor from the top bunk of a bed...combined with some kind of language ive never heard before with bitches yellin and speaking in tongues and just overall being obnoxious. i mean c'mon, this is a state park.

so we just so happen to have a set of keys to the tear room while dale and joe are still out larp busting. so we got a great idea. mike and i will .....mike and ike...sorry....mike and i will case our own cabin waiting for dale and joe to come back from larp banging meanwhile nick and alumicock will hide inside the tear room, camera ready, so that when dale and joe come back, alumicock can spring forth and spray dale and joe in the face with suprise while nick gets the shot!!

you cant tell, but ask dale...i dont think they were expecting alumicock

course....neither was i.....

so that was friday night. saturday we had a whole lotta drinking planned. and making grub. and a triumphant return of alumicock....but one thing at a time. you cant rush these things. we made some breakfast which consisted of eggs, fried cheddar bites, sausage and margarita's as jeff called them (they were bartles and james wine coolers)

 

after a duece or two or three we moved on to the preparation of the man loaf aka pork attack, sausage invasion, arterey clogger, hot sausage injection, swine orgasm...something along those lines. the recipe can be found here.

this is mikes "oh" face...which stands for onion face

and the finished result are these delicious beauties right here:

and while those bitches were cooking for 5 hours in the smoker we enjoyed some drinks, played some polish horeshoes as i call them, and decorated our christmas tree....

  we started with a few decorations which grew in numbers as the night wore on....

by the end of the night we (it was a collective group effort) had created a helmut, cape, armor, weaponry, and a whole lotta phallic shapped objects.....even a condom for the helmet cock...after all this group is all about safety first





and thanks to dale you can bring the action home too with the new trading game sweeping across larpers of all ages, ladies and gentlemen....get em while theyre hot.....