Valentines Day Eve Text

to all you guys out there - forget the cards and chocolates and flowers and go with this simple text:

to the wife....(its unseasonably warm today (as in 54 degrees))

me: ready to drink and grill
her: me too!
me:  ready to stuff your meat sock
her: wtf does that mean?
me: lmao i'm just being dumb....its a lovely way of sayin i wanna make love
her: well thats ok then :)
me: i know it is

may all your valentines day wishes come true and may all of your meat socks be filled to the brim!

officiating and brendan shanahan

to say this years playoffs have been exciting is an understatement. all one has to do is watch the series thus far between the penguins and the flyers and you notice its more like a ufc match than a hockey game. and i am all for that. fighting is and always was the attraction to me. that being said, much like football, there has to be rules in order to keep players safe. safe - as in head trauma. not dumbing down the sport. not making it like other pussy sports out there.

there have been calls during the playoffs that arent getting the same attention as other similar calls. there is no ryhme or reason as to how the nhl's "disciplinarian" brendan shanahan is doling out his punishments.

case 1: det vs nash

shea weber punching henrik zetterberg in the head and proceding to ram him into the glass click
that resulted in weber being fined $2500 - whoopty fuckin shit

case 2: chi vs pheonix

andrew shaw of chicago was coming around behind the net to play a puck that goalie mike smith was going for. shaw skates by and grazes smith. shanahan says it was not incidental and was a forcefull blow to the head and that he showed no signs of trying to avoid the collision. smith in reaction (much like a kicker in the nfl does) throws himself to the ice to make it more dramatic click and go to 3:00 and watch as their heads do collide but smith puts on his best acting skills. shaw in turn gets ejected from the game and the yotes go on a 5min major power play for game misconduct - shaw in turn was suspended by shanahan for 3 games due to that hit. mike smith came right back in and played, finished the game and started the game last night. to say he embelleshed the hit is an understatement.

case 3: chi vs pheonix

marian hossa was making a pass at center ice when raffi torres of the coyotes left his feet and drove his shoulder into hossas' helmet. no ref saw the brutal and illegal hit and therefore there was no penalty on torres. click torres finished the game. hossa was taken to the hospital and released. as of right now shanahan has suspended torres indefinitly as a hearing is being held in NYC on friday which was originally scheduled for today but torres is a fucking pussy and asked for an extention.

case 4 (2011): chi vs vancouver

yet again raffi torres playing like the dirty motherfucker he is takes another whack at a guy who doesnt see him. brent seabrook of chi was looking to accept a pass behind the net when torres takes him out click this was torres first game back from a 4 game suspension for pulling the same shit. torres gets a 2 minute minor for "interference" - torres was not suspended for this hit.

so whats my point? just that in a modern era with the technology we have with replays and such there seems to me to be way too much gray area and only one guy doling out the punishments in a hap hazardly fashion. where is the black and white? where is the, you throw an elbow, you get this as a punishment? you leave your feet, 5 game suspension. it should be in writing and it should be reviewed, slowed down, picked apart and dealt with appropriately. where as right now i feel like they are making all of the calls, the refs and the so called "disciplinarian" by the seat of their pants. its not that i want rid of the fighting, i said it and i'll say it again that to me is just a part of the sport. its the dirty shit like the hits from weber and torres that players should be protected from.

fuck em up flyers

fuck them up their stupid asses

stern to bow: the rms titanic (rip)

we all know the hearwarming true story of ship ahead of its time. a ship bound for greatness. a ship destined to roam the ocean free. a shit ship unlike any before it. it was a huge motherfucker. and there were rich assholes runnin around and snudy bitches beggin to be fucked in lifeboats. chaos. just chaos. or at least thats how hollywood portrayed it.

well today i am here to lend some new light on an otherwise sunken bit of history. i am not talking about a boat, rather shit. feces. dung. flop. hershey turds. crap. dont wory there are no actual pics of my shit. you all have seen that before. well, some of you. the rest of you....just wait. your day will come.

so lets bring this into its context. you're sittin on the shitter. doin your thang. and its a biggin. you can tell by the way your ass feels like its being split open for a 2x4 to come through. none the less you press on. this is a delicate matter. because if you wanna be able to tell your friends and co-workers that you just dropped a titanic in the bathroom you have to procede with caution.

so your shit is somewhere around 1/3 to 1/2 the way out of your rectum at this point. DO NOT PINCH IT OFF! if you do you will have failed. we need this thing whole. no breaking of the poo. you can break bread, just not shit. you should be somewhere (depending on diet) around 4-6 inches at this point. now you're all sitting there high and mighty sayin to yourselves, well thats just insane, ive never dropped an 8-12inch deuce. well thats great then this post wasnt for you. go slob down a 8-12inch cock.

where were we? ah yes the second half. slow n steady says the tortoise. i think thats how you spell it. fuck it im not looking it up. the stupic fuckin turtle that beat the rabit. study your childrens tales people. i digress. slowly push as you feel the soft warm forearm shape exit your bowels. typically for myself i reach a point towards the end where it just uses gravity and sorta slips on out. this is usually due to the elasticity of the rectum and having been stretched out for some length of time. now if you've done this technique properly, when you stand up, prior to wiping so as not to obstruct the view of your accomplishment, your poo should look something like this:
mine normally uses the sides of the bowl for support
courtesy of american cruise lines

the idea here is that you've sucessfully delivered what your colon sent to you - all in one piece. this doesnt happen with just any poo. this has to be one worthy of the title titanic or stern to bow as i call it. why stern to bow? well you see each shit has a stern and each shit has a bow. the picture below is a great depiction of the stern to bow:

courtesy of encyclopedia-titanica

the stern of the shit just as it is on a ship is the behind section, the rear end if you will. the last part to fall from your ass. this is also the last part to sink just as it were on the titanic. the bow is the opposite end. it is the front. it is the first to go under water. it is the first part of the shit to come from your anus. so as it sits in the porcelain ocean just as in the pic above: stern to bow. the stern being above the water line and the bow being below it.

when boiler room 6 is breached she's liable to snap or break off before you're ready to. THIS IS BAD. you've worked hard to come so far and have the voyage end like this. none the less, it happens to us all...

it breaks in half and now you've got the titanic lying at the bottom of the ocean in separate parts:
courtesy of mad gif

there is nothing spectacular about this. this is an every day occurrence. the stern to bow IS what we came here for. my only advice is to try again next time. the odds are you forced it and the stern to bow just cannot be forced. it is a work of art. and to frame that artwork may i suggest a tried and true method of shitter jumping.

shitter jumping is, as some of you've seen me do before, when you drop something noteworthy in a toilet and you want to leave it for the next person to see, to bask in its ambience. DONT WIPE. simply stuff a few squares of toilet paper up your ass, pull up your pants and move over to the shitter next to you. if you're at your house, go to one of the other bathrooms. if this is the only bathroom available, you have three options: 1) suck it up pull up your pants and walk outta there or 2) take a picture with your phone to preserve its greatness, clean yourself up and flush and 3) wipe but throw the shitted paper in the trash can. im a proponent of option 3. works well in a pinch.

so go off my wonderful pupils of the poo. do wonderous things. make the world a better place. do everything you said you would do at this point in life. and while youre at it, add the stern to bow to that list.

raiders @ chiefs 12/24/11

logan and i had the fortunate opportunity to get tickets to go see our raiders play in arrrowhead stadium. a fellow scout dad offered up the tix and of course i had to ask seeings as christmas eve is usually spent with one side or another of the fam, and logan and i would miss it if we drove down to KC. so i said to my wife i didnt expect it to work, however i would kick myself if i didnt ask.

 she then checked with the side of the fam it affected and came back and told me we had the greenlight to go. i still hadnt told logan at this point because i didnt have the tix in my hand and i didnt know if it would all work out or not so for the sake of not disappointing him, i thought it would be best to wait until i had them, wrap them up and give them to him.

so it was official and now all i had to do was get through the rest of the week before it would truly set in that i was going to see my raiders, for the first time in my life, and i get to share that experience with my oldest. how bad ass is that? so the week goes on and i am pretty much useless at work since its almost xmas and i am itching to get out and make the drive to KC.

i dont recall the exact last time i was at arrowhead but i do recall being in the nosebleed seats. for anyone who's been there knows the top of the stadium feels like its sitting you at a very uncomfortable angle towards the field which when you stand up feels like youre going to plummit to your death. we lucked out and these seats were no where near the top:

the view from our seats (sec 132, row 17)

we watched sebas take some warm up shots

Logan at his first NFL game

we werent the only ones wearing silver and black

now i will say that for the most part, chiefs fan is alright. theyre fuckin hammered, but theyre alright. we got to our seats an hour and a half before kickoff which gave us time to look around, grab some grub, drop a deuce, and let the rest of the fans get shitfaced. so i tell logan i gotta go do my dooty and i ask him if he wants to sit in his seat or come with. he opts to sit in his seat. i take him back to our seats and i proceed to the mens room. this s a long one. id say 10-15 mins. i head back to our seats and see he is not sitting there. the folks (chiefs fans) a couple seats down from us who took our pic, informed me that some guy was giving logan a hard time and that he got upset, started crying and went off to find me. i asked her to point out to me who this guy was so i could deal with him later. her husband had gone looking for logan and i went to do the same heading up the steps when low and behold here he comes down the steps tears in his eyes. he explained to me that he was worried because i was taking a monsterous shit that i hadnt come back. i explained to him to stay where he was and that sometimes daddy's a little backed up but that the storm would pass and i would be back out to see him. i asked him about the guy giving him grief and he told me the same thing the gal told me, he said to logan his raiders were going to go back to oakland loosers. i asked him again if this guy was the reason he was upset, he reitterated no, he was scared because i was gone for so long dropping a lung in the toilet.

so we sit back in our seats, i wipe the tears from his face, and then chiefs fan sits down next to me. as he sits, the cloud of beer wafts up from him much like pigpen from charlie brown. so now i know what im dealing with. a 50-some year old drunk chiefs fan. perfect. he makes amends. apologizes to me and logan and shakes our hands and wishes us good luck. then he procedes to bash the raiders, tell us how bad theyre going to loose today and then to top it all of, his excuse for his actions: "hey look at me, im the chiefs fan!" that you are drunkie, that you are. throughout the rest of the game, he's razzing us from 4 rows back. i told logan to just ignore him and not to let the guy ruin our time. at one point i hear him saying to me, "hey! hey bigman!" i simply kept my eyes in front of me and watched my raiders kick the fuck out of his chiefs. but it was difficult though, not to pummel this poor old drunk fuck to whom which i have a 20 year (give or take) age advantage not to mention probably 150lbs weight advantage. but he had the advantages that counted: 70K+ fans on his side and i actually cared if i got thrown out of the stadium for fighting.

the other chiefs fans gave us shit, just as i had warned logan they would but were respectful about it. it was typical hazing, the things that dont bother you. until late in the game, our raiders had made a good play and i jumped and yelled in excitement as did the other silver and black fans around us. the drunk girl chiefs fan next to me elbowed me in the stomach and then proceeded to apologize over and over and over. i told her it was no big deal, not to worry about it. she said it was just a reaction, she was rooting for her team. i told her no worries. perhaps i am too nice. but one thing is for sure, it would take a lot to charge me as the asshole raiders fan.

its not something you get to do everyday, and im just thankful for my first time seeing the raiders, i got to spend it with my son. i am also thankful they won. but even if they hadnt, it would still have been awesome simply getting to see them play. but seriously though, fuck all you fans around us that were giving us shit. and to the douchebags booing us in the parking lot, go fuck yourselves. 

and as for if logan had fun or not, i would say this game winning field goal in OT sums it up nicely

JUST WIN BABY!

gay bashing two loose bitches from vancouver

eric sent me a link to a story that hits close to home for me - the topic: the sedin faggoty twin gape bros.
dave bolland (center for the blackhawks) talks some shit about the gay duo and when asked if he hated all of the Canucks or just a lot of them bolland responded: "i hate all of them."

he also says "i think they might sleep in like bunk beds....the older one has the bottom and the younger one has the top."

thatta boy bolland - fuck them bitches up - i wanna see either one or both of them pickin their fuckin teef off the ice the next time yous guys play em. fuck em. fuck em up their stupid asses.

i listened to the whole interview on WGN radio - good shit! the interview is also with corey crawford (hawks goalie).

in an unrelated topic, you can see the kaner shuffle on you tube.

and just because i love byfuglien check this one out too

santa is fuckin bad ass

so logan has gotten into swords because a certain uncle has some hanging from his walls and he thinks they're pretty awesome. which they are. and he has been asking for one for xmas. however i had not gone looking for anything like this so a trip to a few stores proved to be a let down. there are some out there. and some are bad ass....LOOKING but not in construction. they have loose handles and wobble when you wave them at the store clerk.

you have to keep in mind, he's 10 and while hanging them from the wall on display is a good idea, what he really wants to do is hack some fuckin shit up. i mean if there were a stray dog or cat or bunny runnin the neighborhood, i could see him goin after the poor bastard like a scene from LOTR (thats lord of the rings for those of you who arent in the know) i wasnt....dont feel bad.

so the point is, this thing must first and foremost be of superior construction. he is gonna swing it around in his room and probably break some shit and potentially hurt himself. i dont want this thing breaking damnit!

so where was i. oh yea, santa is the shiz-nit - and also hella fuckin violent. ladies and gents, i present to you, santas xmas gift to logan this year:

it comes (as you can see) with the wall mount and i played with this thing in the store....its not gonna break anytime soon. now maybe when he gets to highschool and the wrong motherfucker screws with him and he bludgens some poor fuck to death - then, maybe then it will take some abuse. but until then i see it holding up for a while.

santa is fuckin cool - i mean, battle weapons! sharp ones at that! c'mon i got the shaft. hah shaft. i can remember as a kid watchin peter pan and then wanting to make some kinda dagger like he had and all i could come up with was some shitty cardboard thing. now kids get the real deal.

im jealous, i'll be honest. there was a full size sword in the store i wanted to get for myself but my fuckin wife talked me outta it. some bs about me not needing a sword and we should spend $130 on the kids.....i am a kid bitch! lemme have a goddamned sword! do i really need to make one of those windows 7 slideshow commercials outta this shit?

"reasons why nick needs this fuckin sword"

slide one: protection from intruders

slide two: for cuttin the shit outta the plants around the yard - aka pruning

slide three: stabbing shit just cause it fuckin rules with a heavy handled sword in your hand

slide four: because you love me

slide five: cause im probably gonna go buy that shit later tonight anyway

slide six: maybe ill get more than one and me and the guys can have real sword fights and not that gay shit we usually do

slide seven: guys with swords are sexy

slide eight: how the fuck are we gonna defend ourselves against logan when he's weilding the santa clause devil axe??

slide nine: stabbing shit, cause really, you should fuckin try it

slide ten: i already bought it, sorry i couldnt wait for an answer

santa isnt the only one who gets to have fun this year

van halen

so im listenin to the radio, as you all have known me to do. and what comes on? "hot for teacher"

i will have you know i hate these fuckin cocksuckers so bad, i turned the station to nickleback's "this afternoon" and left it because it was better than listenin to david lee roth squeal like a fuckin bitch.

just to clarify, so theres no grey area here: both bands lick each others dirty brown assholes after they've thoroughly gaped one another with their own penises.

.....just ........so were clear.